I Have Learned to Love My Body

I have learned many things about myself these past few months. One item in particular is that I have learned to appreciate everything my body has accomplished...

I love my scars - they show I have survived had the strength to endure traumatic experiences.
I love my wrinkles - they show the wisdom I have learned from life's hardships. Face it, would you take sage advice from a woman with a flawless face? I think not. You would take advice from someone who has been through all life has to offer...and has the wrinkles to prove it.
I love my belly, stretch marks and all - they prove I helped to create and nurture two amazing beings.
I love my gray hairs - they show the world I have not been afraid to push my body to the limit to live life and take risks.
I love my body - it has been through hell and back. Even after over a decade of fighting MS it still pushes on, wounded but not defeated.

I look in the mirror today and see myself for the person I have become. What I used to see as "flaws"...I now wear as badges of honor.

Awake My Soul

A beautiful title to a song by Mumford and Sons (thanks nephew!). Today the title of the song really struck me - my soul is waking. Waking to what life is really about, what pain I have been hiding, struggles I have made it through and the beauty of life itself. This leg of my journey through life has brought me to search my soul.

The struggles and pain of life are not meant to make you suffer, but to make you stronger and help you to differentiate between crappy and happy! Life is not about perfection, in fact, it is about imperfection. It is about finding the little things to make your soul happy. For me it is my little ones running up and throwing their arms around me...just because. It's about having a horrible day, coming home and Big Daddy giving me a hug - no words, no advice, no lecture, just a hug to let me know he always has my back. It's about finding that one last flower in the fall - even though it only has 3 petals left and wilting, it still makes me smile. It's about appreciating that when I have trouble walking, I know it could be worse. It's about finding love and true happiness - no matter what age, shape, size or otherwise. It's about going though hell and making it out alive to tell your tale so others may learn from your mistakes. It's about NOT hiding who you are  - show your TRUE soul to the world and screw anyone who doesn't want to see you as you are. People want you to put on the "normal" mask, just to make themselves feel more comfortable. I know that I make people uncomfortable when they can SEE the MS, and some are uncomfortable just knowing. The MS is a part of me, part of who I am, part of what has sculpted me into who I have become. Yes, MS is a part of my soul...and I am OK with that.

Children are Psychic...Just to Make You Crazy

Why, on days you can sleep in, do the children wake up at least 30 minutes earlier than you normally would on a busy day? Why is it that when you are in a great mood they listen and behave perfectly, yet when you are having a horrible day and need them to behave, they act like they were raised by a pack of wolves? Because they are psychic...or they are secretly plotting against you!

Being a person with a chronic illness makes the above scenario even more frustrating. I have to admit...I admire, and send my deepest sympathies, to all those working parents out there! When my daughter was born I was lucky enough to work from home, because of the MS. When I was pregnant with my son I was laid-off. Yes, the company laid me off when I was 6 months pregnant so they could give my job to the General Manager's son who could not find a job in the failing economy...but that's a story for another day. Back to my point - I have a hard time taking care of all the household duties as well as the kids and their schedules without working a full-time job. To me it is unimaginable, even physically impossible, how working parents manage to get everything done in a 24 hour period AND manage to get at least 1 hour of sleep per night, even when having to deal with "psychic" episodes! And come to think of it, I swore one time when I woke in the middle of the night I heard the two of them talking in Mayhem's room...maybe it's time to buy that video Barbie...

Disease for Sale!

I have come to the conclusion that you must become a salesperson when you have a chronic illness. Example: Friend: "Hey! How are you?"
You: "Good! I'm feeling OK!"
Reality - You are in excruciating pain, are so tired you can't see straight and can't even remember your own name.

See, this is not the information others want to hear for a number of reasons. First of all, it makes them feel horrible to know that someone they care about is going through something so awful. Second, they feel even worse because they can't do anything to make it better - that's what we as humans are programmed to do when something is wrong, we fix it and make it better. Lastly, we (those of us "blessed" with illness) remind people of their own mortality, how fragile life is and how your world can be turned upside-down in a heartbeat.

I have known many great "salesman"...my father is a great salesman, both in reality as well as illness-wise. One of our conversations went a little something like this...
Dad: "Hi honey! How are you?"
Me: "You know, hangin' in there. Kids are doing good, hubby is doing good. How are you?"
Dad: "Oh, how is Princess' school going?"
Me: "It's good! She loves it...wait...how are YOU doing?"
Dad: "So, she really likes it, huh? Is she making new friends?"
Me: "Dad, how are YOU doing? You didn't answer my question."
Dad: "Well, I have to go in for surgery...but it's outpatient, you know, no big deal."
Me: "Holy cow! Dad, what are you having done?!"
Dad: "Just some skin cancer, nothing big. It's not the bad kind, just snip a few pieces and then I'm home!"

As you can see, I have been trained by the best.

It's easier to tell the people you love only a part of what is really happening and how you are feeling rather than hear the hurt in their voice and see the agony through the tears in their eyes. So...other than the crippling pain, debilitating fatigue and dementia-like memory problems..I FEEL GREAT!!!

Breathe Damn It...Breathe!!!

OK, so I have realized that I am not breathing. Obviously not in the general sense of the term with the whole "air in, air out" thing. I am referring to the fact that I do not take deep breaths...almost never. I am a shallow breather (not to be confused with a prank caller just known as a "breather"). Have I really been spending my entire life holding my breath? Not breathing how I should...just enough to keep the ol' ticker pumping? The only time I seem to take a deep breath is if I am about to cough or I'm exercising - even then I am always reminded by the instructor that I need to breathe. I also find that most people do not take full breaths, you know the kind that when you inhale the air fulls your lungs and your belly rises too. Why is this such a hard concept to grasp?

I don't exactly know why I don't belly breathe. I know that when I am conscious of it and try to do this I feel better, happier and calmer. My shoulders drop and any tension slowly slips away. Why is it that my body will not do this on it's own? I shouldn't have to remind my body to breathe properly, right? It's not like I have to stick to an air budget so I don't go over my allotted amount of air. Why is my body rebelling against air? Or is it rebelling against me? What did I ever do to it? Well, there was the time when I was a kid and fell on the playground and split my chin open. There was also the time I gave myself a spiral fracture in my toe (turning it around 45 degrees, mind you) when I was chasing Sherman around the house, then there was the time I....OK, well maybe I did a few things to make my body angry. Maybe body is trying to suffocate the MS? Oooh...I got it! Maybe my body is slowly training so I can become a free diver! Hmm...maybe not.

The fact of the matter is that none of us breathe properly. We all need to get the oxygen in our systems to help our bodies function like well-oiled machines. We need to also metaphorically breathe by pushing out the stagnant things in our lives that are slowly strangling us and bring in freshness, clarity and perspective. We need to take deep breaths to clear our hearts, minds and bodies. Air is free and we need to take advantage of the benefits..before they starting taxing that too. I am making a pledge to myself that I will fervorously attempt to breathe deep at all times and, if not...there's always free diving.

La, la , la, la...blah, blah, blah blah

Why is it that once a child hits age 5 they can no longer go without making a sound for longer than 30 seconds? Princess Punky, the 5 year old, will make noise from the time she gets up until the time she goes to bed. She will sing or hum or talk. Now, there don't have to be actual words, songs or phrases. She will make up words, hum or repeat a sound or two word phrase...over and over and over.

Why is it that we have difficulty finding comfort in silence? What is so wrong about the stillness that makes us feel the need to fill the void? As a child the quiet is the reminder that there is no one to play with...or simply a chance to get attention. But, as an adult why is it that the moment we wake up we turn on the "news", or when we get in the car we immediately turn on the radio - even when someone is with us? Why must the silence be filled with background noise or music? We try to fill the empty spaces even when we speak - how many times do you say "well", "um", "er" or "like" in a sentence when you are thinking of the next thing to say or when there should normally be a pause?

Silence gives us time to reflect - on the things that have happened, should happen or what we want to happen. It makes us take stock of our lives and actually take the time to FEEL and process the world around us instead of mindlessly running on auto pilot. The stillness even forces you to be aware of things that sometimes you are trying to ignore. You know, the giant pink gorilla in the corner of the room? It is becoming increasingly harder and harder to find some "peace and quiet" with cell phones, laptops, wi-fi, iPhones, iPads, iPods - we all have some electronic device permanently attached to our face! Modern day living has removed the "peace and quiet" from our lives - so much so that when we DO find it, we haven't a clue what to do.

We all must learn to embrace the silence. FEEL what it is like in the silence and stillness. Look that pink gorilla in the face...and shake hands.


"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness." Mahatma Gandhi

Holy Goose!

OK, well, today was a WEIRD day. I was driving and had to slam on my brakes to avoid being hit by a gaggle of geese!  Yes, you read it correctly. No I did not almost hit the geese... they almost hit ME! I had to slam on my brakes as they decided at that very moment in time to fly directly across the street!!! Actually they half of them ran into the street in front of my car and the other half flew AT my car! Were they the part of the Life and Death Brigade?! Death wish maybe? Hmm...maybe the suburbs are no longer safe.

After I came to grips that I may have wronged a goose sometime in my past and now have a "hit" put on me by the G-Mob, I began to think about the "signs" people always talk about. Signs from the universe, God or whatever you believe in. You are supposed to view the world with an open heart and open mind to really see the signs and should heed the advice in their hidden messages. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something...but what?! Don't drive so fast? I was on a side street going 30 mph. Don't cross the street before looking both ways? Look before you leap? Don't trust feathered animals? Maybe the universe was telling me to be more spontaneous, but careful. Or that I should learn to spread my wings and soar so I can rise above the oncoming troubles of life...or maybe they were just a bunch of crazy birds.